October 29, 2020

McCain Accepts Michigan Setback, Boards the ‘Straight-Talk Express’ for South Carolina

After a stunning rout Tuesday night by Michigan’s favorite son, Mitt Romney, John McCain was gracious in defeat, congratulating his victorious opponent, and commending voters for their thoughtful and deliberative assessment of the candidates. Though McCain had been confident of a victory in a state where he won convincingly in 2000, he voiced his respect for the process and spoke admiringly of the campaign waged by his opponent. It was a warm and mature concession befitting the Senator’s emergence as an admired elder statesman within the party.

“Here’s a little ‘Straight Talk’ for you: I hope the Mexicans get every one of your fucking jobs. How you filthy lunch-bucket yokels bought this load of populist bullshit my opponent brought here in his Gucci fanny-pack is beyond me, but maybe that explains why this state has 127% unemployment and the only ‘jobs’ you’re interested in are the ones you buy for $15 in truck-stop bathrooms.”

The Senator acknowledged Michigan native Romney’s appeal among Wolverine State voters–a state where Romney
was born and where his father was a popular auto industry executive, Governor, and 1968 Presidential candidate. “Favorite son, my ass. How many times has this hair-dyed fraud ‘come home’ since he left skidmarks out of here decades ago and put down stakes somewhere the locals don’t deep-fry everything and eat it with their fingers? Six, maybe seven times? I don’t fucking know. Maybe you can’t count that high. The closest he comes is when he flies over here on trips between the coasts, taking a dump in the airplane toilet wishing his shit would drop right out of the plane onto your fat, layabout, union-pampered, speed-addled skulls. I don’t know where he calls home these days, because like everything else, he changes his position every six minutes, but I know it isn’t in a dogpatch shithole that would elect Ted Nugent Pope–and it sure as hell isn’t in some goddamned, terminally-recessed backwater that should probably be beaten unconscious with an axe handle and held underwater in Lake Michigan until it stops struggling so we don’t have to go through this miserable goddamned charade every four years and feel your pain and eat your onion rings and your chili dogs and pretend we’re one of you.”

Donning a humble face for supporters, McCain recognized the challenges besetting the American autoworker and conceded that Romney’s Michigan roots may have given the Governor a more intimate understanding of the state’s blue-collar population. “But hell, he’s lived here. I’ll give him that–I guarantee that wherever he lives now, he doesn’t drive a Ford put together by drunks who leave tools inside the door panels and roll every car off the assembly line with a pile of parts they figure they probably should have used, but don’t have any idea where. “

McCain acknowledged the state’s oft-troubled history, and that his own life experience was perhaps markedly different from that of middle- and lower-income Michiganers, which may have swayed some voters in the end. “I spent five years getting beaten silly and having bamboo reeds shoved under my fingernails. You think Detroit was on my short-list of Shangri-Las when I got back stateside? If they would have made me move to this dump when I came back, I would have caught the first plane back to Hanoi. Fine. I’m glad I didn’t get your vote. I don’t want to be the nominee of welfare, race riots, and gunfire.”

In a state with a significant presence in Iraq and Afghanistan, McCain had hoped his military experience and empathy for the men and women serving in the country’s military would resonate with Michiganers over Governor Romney, who, unlike McCain, did not serve during the Vietnam War. “I grew up in the military. They invented ‘Friendly Fire’ for people like him. I got tortured eight ways from Sunday for five years and I didn’t tell them which direction the sun came up. This spineless little titty-baby wouldn’t have lasted five minutes–about the time they messed up his hair and took away his dental floss he would have given up the name and home addresses of every soldier he’d met since basic and where his CO took R & R.”

McCain concluded his remarks by thanking Michigan for its hospitality during his primary fight, and striking an optimistic tone as his campaign moved on to South Carolina. “So, thank you–thank you for 30 fucking percent, you backwoods blowholes. The Baptist wingnuts in Columbia are going to be a breath of fresh air after inhaling your motor oil and cigarette stench for the last six months. If I never see another belt buckle or trucker’s cap in my life, it will be too soon for me.”