May 31, 2023

“Hilla-rebound!”: Wisconsin Rout for Clinton over McCain

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Glee redounded in the Hillary Clinton campaign last night as the New York Senator scored a decisive victory over her Republican adversary, polling more than 100,000 votes over John McCain’s tally in America’s Dairyland, and breathing new life into a campaign that was already being declared doomed.

The heretofore-impressive efforts of her junior Senate colleague from Illinois have been sullied in recent days as the younger, less-experienced Mr. Obama’s lack of policy specifics, his wife’s cynical newfound patriotism, and charges of plagiarism in his stump speeches made voters take a second look at Hillary Clinton.

“I believe in a place called Hope!”, Senator Clinton exulted to a packed house of supporters last night, sounding a triumphant new tone and motto for her resurgent campaign. “I feel like the Comeback Kid!”

Clinton acknowledged a spirited challenge by her fellow Democratic candidate, who waged a vigorous fight but in the end limped to the finish with fewer votes than the combined populations of Milwaukee and Kenosha, and Calumet and Chippewa counties.

…I tossed that one out to the Clinton campaign Monday, hoping there might be a spot open on her PR crew. Her campaign needs the help and I’ve got a totaled Honda to pay for, so I figured what the hell? It would be a good line on my resume, I’ve got a lifetime of experience at spinning my own endless defeats, and I’m no stranger to working for people whose checks don’t clear. I never heard back, but there was no mail delivery on President’s Day, and my cell phone was dead most of yesterday, so maybe there’s a message waiting. I’ll let you know later today.

Don’t expect to see Hillary sporting a Packers cap anytime soon. Wisconsin stomped on her heart just as badly as Virginia, where a narrow victory, or at least a narrow defeat, seemed within reach up until the last minute, only to be flattened by the fearsome (and, for Team Clinton, increasingly tiresome) Obama offensive line.

It’s getting a lot harder to game scenarios where Hillary can claim this nomination, short of bringing Jeff Gillooly out of retirement. After every Obama victory, NBC political director Chuck Todd brings out the dry erase board and starts crunching the numbers, and with every Obama victory, his math is increasingly leaving the public school crowd in the dust. “There is one scenario where Hillary can take 77.4% of the counties in Pennsylvania and Ohio, and that’s not out of the realm of possibility if they select the counties where she and the former President attended organized labor picnics when Bill was President. And if you factor in the endorsement of the state’s 27,399-strong school bus drivers’ union, and if she volunteers to buy beer for a UAW roller derby jamboree coming up on the weekend before the primary, which could mean 11,300 voters, it’s very possible that she can garner the 61.913% of the vote in Ohio and 66.444132% of the vote in Pennsylvania that she needs to trim Obama’s lead in real delegates to 126. That’s where we move on to Oregon and Puerto Rico, and while it doesn’t happen that often, the latter has had a history of at least one gas furnace explosion at one of its busier polling places…”

Don’t discount the possibility of some sort of physical assault by either candidate before this is all over. Puerto Rico and the end of the primary season is nearly three and a half months away, and it’s a near mathematical uncertainty that this matter is settled by then. That’s a lot of time for a hot-blooded contest to move to a simmer to a boil. Apparently tired of Hillary’s snide and ungracious concession speeches, Obama last night interrupted her post-Wisconsin address to storm in with his victory speech.

Meanwhile if you are a Caucausian male who attended Punahou School in the late 1970s and recall receiving a disparaging racial epithet from young Barry Obama during a playground pickup game, please contact the Hillary Clinton campaign at your earliest convenience. There’s a $50 Applebee’s gift card in it for you.