May 31, 2023

Veepstakes: The Money Shot

Veepstakes: The Money ShotOh, so much to catch up and so little time. But first, The Hour is upon us. Senator Obama is going to make his choice tomorrow and by this time tomorrow evening the losers will be having a tall libation with their wives, thinking about what could have been and weighing the possible consolation of a role in an Obama Administration and assessing what their brief moment in the Veepstakes spotlight has done to bolster their day-job credibility.

The GOP race is still in play, but for the Democrats, it’s all over but the knighting. Bill Richardson, Kathleen Sebelius, and Wesley Clark, thanks for playing. You will be welcomed warmly in Denver with two free drink coupons and a goodie bag.

John Edwards, good luck on your return to a life as a well-paid but disgraced lawyer and living the rest of your days as a political eunuch. You have nothing but your penis to blame, and you should thank God for The Huffington Post and The National Enquirer that you aren’t going to be the man who single-handedly destroyed your party’s chances for the White House.

Hillary, still a wild card, but you buy her, you get Bill, and unlike four or five years ago, that’s not really a good thing anymore. Her pick could mollify those insane PUMA harpies, but for this discussion, until I change my mind, I’m sticking with the conventional wisdom.

Let’s take a quick look at the last three who are still on the radar and who Barack might walk down the runway tomorrow.

Governor Tim Kaine – Virginia: Young, handsome, and could deliver Virginia in a tight race. But he’s a first-term governor and the biggest heat the Democratic nominee is taking is for his lack of experience, and Kaine doesn’t bring nearly enough to the table. Don’t sub-let the statehouse, Governor.

Senator Evan Bayh – Indiana: 
A 62% blue senator in a red state, and a personality that is 100% dishwater grey. Senator Bayh can’t deliver Indiana and 4 out of 5 respondents say they’d rather party with George Will. Obama picks Bayh and half the convention is going to be angling for a seat at the bar at Vesta before the Indiana is 107 words into his acceptance speech. veepstakes_evan bayh_08-21-2008

Senator Joe Biden – Delaware: A one-man Rapid Response team. With a campaign already uglier than a Kevin Farley-Jocelyn Wildenstein love child, and about to get as recoilingly horrible as Louie Anderson in a thong, Barack Obama needs an attack dog, and Senator Biden is a man who will brook not even the tiniest nugget of hurled GOP/527 feces. You don’t bring a pen knife to an axe fight, and Joe Biden will show up in the tavern parking lot with a chainsaw in each hand. Ladies and gentleman, doff your hats and respectfully welcome your 2008 Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, the man from Scranton, Senator Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr.

IN OTHER NEWS: For those of you who haven’t gotten enough of Wayne’s and my hideously uglified visages on the and headers, we’re bringing our mugs to the big screen. I mentioned a few weeks ago that we have a film crew tagging along with us telling our story, and they’ve effectively owned our arses for the last three weeks, hence the lack of postings. This production will do nothing to dispel our long-held notions that we are better off behind the scenes spinning our perverted commentary and illustrations, but we’ve been very busy the last six months, and aren’t at our best. Wayne looks better than I do, but he simply does not tan, and after a decade and a half of fanatical physical fitness, I look like I’ve recently eaten four babies. No worries, we’ll make enough money from the book to buy some bronzer for Wayne, and I should back down to my fighting weight of 170 by the time premieres and book signings roll around.

We’re off to Denver on Monday for the Democratic convention, but I have a relatively light weekend to decompress and resuscitate the blog. More tomorrow.