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Denver GauntletSo much history! Veeps is more than a bestselling book and blockbuster motion picture. There’s mirth, mystery, and the story of our nation. veeps-blog

Read along about the journey of Bill and Wayne and the rich tapestry of America’s second-highest elected office. Still and often fetid waters really do run deep. Set aside a weekend and take it all in–the sage of Bill and Wayne’s friendship and shared obsession; the bruising battle for the 47th Vice Presidency in 2008, from the frozen cornfields of Iowa to Inauguration Day 2009; to the rogues, drunks, cowards, and the downtrodden who have occupied the office for over 200 years. Over 220+ posts and counting! Grab a beverage and pull up a chair. There’s lots to learn here!

Black Dog Democrats

Black-Dog Democrats

There was a time when all you had to be was white, Republican, and from the South and everything was right with your world. If you were from Alabama, Mississippi, North Carolina, Virginia, Georgia (except for 1992, but you can blame the Perot bleed for that anomaly), or Texas, your candidate was always golden and you had the strength of numbers to help sway the national count. The Republicans could confidently devote
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The Neville Brothers

The Neville Brothers

Somewhere tonight in the afterworld, Neville Chamberlain has just been informed that he’s the focus of his first daily newscycle since 1938, and is being briefed on what a “newscycle” is. Somewhere tonight in Los Angeles, radio host Kevin James is ordering a third plate of pork ribs and corn bread, hoping he can pack on enough girth to be mistaken for his portly The King Of Queens namesake, since in the last 24 hours
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Eleaktoral Politics

The popular wisdom after Barack Obama’s pummeling victory in North Carolina and no less an authority than Tim Russert declared him the presumptive nominee was that the superdelegates would seal the deal and stampede toward the Obama campaign. It seemed the logical next and final step in Project Killary: It’s done, so let’s finish it with a final flurry of math murder that will leave the Clinton Campaign gutted and ta
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Deadwards

Deadwards

We had such a lovely time in West Virginia, it’s too bad we have to get back to the reality of the painful, doomed continuation of the Clinton Campaign. It wasn’t Al Gore, but dragging John Edwards off the fence while Hillary basked in the firefly glow of her landslide victory in West Virginia was no small notch in the Obama belt today. Obama picked up 2.5 superdelegates today in addition to how many of Edwards’ 19 d
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Two Clintons and What Do You Get?

2 Clintons And What Do You Get?

Another day older and deeper in debt. There were no surprises in Coal Country tonight and, as expected, Obama got trounced old-school in West Virginia. And the Clintons are, still, both broke and going for broke. Hillary came out just like Bill did in New Hampshire in 1992, like she was Buster Douglas and just clobbered Mike Tyson, even though the Mike Tyson in this equation lost at most just 1/123 of a 15-round bout
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Veepstakes Monday - 05-12-2008

Veepstake Monday: The Inside Line – 05.12.2008

Oh boy, it’s getting exciting now. With the talking heads turning their attention to the Veepstakes, we’re moving into that realm beyond the academic where someone could lose their car title over this parlor game. We’re going to have real Veep nominees on both sides in just over three months, and a real Vice President-elect in just under six. The powers that would be are getting serious, so no time like the present f
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MisinTerry

MisinTerry

I would have an impossible time being anyone’s shill for a living. I can lie if I have to and I can distort what I need to, but it all falls apart very quickly. I’m drawn very early to a point where I just can’t do it anymore and have to call bullshit on my own bullshit. Union Carbide would never have wanted to hire me. I would have thrown up my arms and folded like a tent before they even laid a glove on me. “Union
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Stillary

For anyone who thought that she was going away after her clock-cleaning in North Carolina and a race in Indiana that was way closer than anyone thought it would be, you’ve obviously misunderestimated the woman. Hillary is still here, and shows no hint of going away. The Clintons took the stage in Indiana Tuesday night looking about as happy and genuine as they did when they were walking to the helicopter on the White
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While I Was Awayne

While I Was A-Wayne

It’s been a relatively quiet week at VeepsBlog, This will be a slow return, because I’m both slightly inebriated and lacking sleep right now. I was a little concerned with Wayne’s return to the fold, because of his commitment to not drinking, and my commitment to continue drinking. Of course I knew I’d have to come over from my dark side and meet him. I missed my friend, and with the book coming out in August, we bot
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Hoosier Daddy

Hoosier Daddy

As we’ve been so many times before this year, we’re through the looking glass again. Hillary took the podium tonight and did what was expected and what the Clintons have done many an evening before: Hillary took a win that everyone’s calling a loss and called it a win, even though it’s mathematically a win tonight but by the numbers a loss in the big picture, which might explain why she was giving a victory speech th
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Waxin’ Wayne, Part 2

After the fake 9-1-1 call he made–allegedly made–to pull me off the online auction for Dan Quayle’s gym bag and jar of Ben-Gay, I had to admit a grudging respect for Wayne. I’ve always wanted to win, but I’ve never gone that far. I’m still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he really didn’t report a phony hostage situation at my apartment because it’s really out of character for him. However, like me,
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COMING SUNDAY – Waxin’ Wayne, Part 2

I tried to do it all today, without throwing down some scratch for the methamphetamine that is readily available in my neighborhood, but there’s only so much a mere mortal can do on three hours of sleep, a nine-hour workday, a two-hour commute, and three hours of book editing. Tomorrow I have a long day at my third job, some long-overdue personal business, and then an alcohol-involved barbecue. So, your tempora
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Waxin’ Wayne – Part 1

I’ll be brief tonight, simply because there’s not much night left. The blog entries are going to be a bit light this week and next for the most ironic of reasons: I don’t have time to write because the co-author of our book, Veeps: Profiles In Insignificance is in town for a visit, and I’ll be busy reconnecting with him and plotting our next move in taking our book from the galleys to the stratosphere. For those of y
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Greta Life

Greta Life

Seven o’clock is a tough TV hour for me these days. I’m working 12-hour days at my pre-publishing stardom gig, and it’s very taxing. I’m currently what’s called a “software test lead” and I have to configure Windows operating systems in ten different languages and then test software on each one of them. It’s called localization testing and after I set up a computer as if it’s on someone’s desk in Istanbul or Stockhol
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Paulbearers

Paulbearers

Being the presumptive nominee ain’t what it used to be, as John McCain found out this weekend when Nevada Republicans convened in Reno for the seemingly routine business of selecting the state’s GOP delegates. Mitt Romney won Nevada’s caucus and Ron Paul nudged McCain into 3rd placed by 200 votes. The Paulettes had a surprise waiting for the party and the state Republicans’ pre-approved slate of delegates this weeken
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Veepstake Monday: The Inside Line – 04.28.2008

Time to skip that house payment, kids–don’t worry, they’re too busy foreclosing on the real deadbeats to worry about an otherwise-upstanding citizen who misses one payment because it’s Veepstake Monday again. They’ll understand. THE REPUBLICANS – JOHN MCCAIN Mike Huckabee – Former Governor, Arkansas: Huck was back on a campaign trip with McCain this week after his Mitt Romney-denouncing letter of two weeks ago drew c
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Obubba

Alright, just for the record, I started today’s topic a full fifteen minutes before I saw Newsweek‘s cover for this week on Meet The Press, after an issue I broached two weeks ago. I’d already saved the document, and besides, I’ve got a better headline. Barack ran into a tribal buzzsaw three weeks ago when he wouldn’t eat the cheesesteak in Pennsylvania. This coupled with his now-infamous “bitter” comment–said in, of
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Gravetard Shift

Many years ago in my first stab at bachelorhood and during my marriage when my wife worked late, I used to enjoy ABC’sWorld News Now. It was what an overnight shift should be: A bunch of people punchy from a screwed-up sleeping schedule getting away with almost whatever they want just because the boss is asleep and no one is paying attention. Early on they would toss in obscure towns and landmarks in their weather sc
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McThuselah

McThuselah

I have a 78-year-old mother who is sharp as a tack, so I’m very sensitive to deploying ageism as a campaign tactic. That said, my mother doesn’t forget what she said eight minutes ago and hasn’t recently engaged in physical battery on anyone. She really does stand on principle, and when she takes a position on something, she doesn’t take another stand the next day like she’s drawing her line in the sand for the first
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Toothless People

Toothless People

This should square everything away. Thank heaven they’re stepping up at last. The kids better straighten up and and quit the horseplay or Mom and Dad might come downstairs. That was the message from Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid this week with the superdelegate situation getting more and more precarious. They’re getting serious: They’re going to write a letter. Maybe even two. This is what passes for poli
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Meh-mentum or Barack In A Hard Place?

TUESDAY NIGHT: I’ve been sitting here for the last hour watching Hillary’s lead teeter between eight and ten percent wondering which headline to go with, and I’m still not sure. There’s no real surprise, there’s no real change in her prospects, and there’s no getting rid of her now. She nailed just enough of a win to saddle us with her all the way to Denver. The Associated Press he
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Kvetch Him If You Can

Kvetch Him If You Can

With the polls in Pennsylvania set to open in just hours and Hillary in desperate need of a Harlem Globetrotters-sized win over Barack Obama, Team Clinton is saving their finest whine for election eve. As usual it was Bill’s mouth that was doing the most work. His first complaint was the superdelegate system. The former President complained that if the Democrats had the same delegate system as the Republicans Hillary
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McCainine Distemper

I don’t think there’s any question who has the strongest toughness bonafides going into this election. Never mind his five years in the chicken cage in Hanoi. He called his wife a “cunt” and lived for someone else to tell about it. In the old days, that was at best a husband wearing the pants and keeping his mouthy wife in line and, at worst, a strong man with a bit of a temper. Today, it’s a chauvinistic bully lucky
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Habitat For Sean Hannity

I had some idle time this weekend so I made a rare foray into Sean Hannity’s America, because I wanted to see what angry rich white people do on the weekends when they aren’t sending jobs off to Vietnam or polluting watersheds. I also wanted to see what makes Barack Obama such an Afro-Leninist menace. I didn’t realize that I would be afforded the added bonus of Dr. Laura Schlesinger. Hannity and Karl Rove (who looks
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GI Bull

GI Bull

There was a time when we didn’t send our kids off to kill and risk being killed without the quid pro quo of a hearty and generous “Thanks, fella!” It was called the Serviceman’s Readjustment Act of 1944, or the “GI Bill.” William Atherton was a lawyer and leader in the American Legion and is principally regarded as the author and leading champion of the GI Bill. Atherton wanted to create a comprehensive program to pr
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Inanity Defense

George Stephanopoulos was no apologies this week after one of the most banal and trivial debates in the history of them all. “The questions were tough and fair and appropriate and relevant. We wanted to focus on the issues that were not focused on during the last debates.” Well, good for them. Because these are the kinds of things that I think about every week when I’m putting another $50 in my gas tank (what used to
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Tiny Baubles

Which is what I’m pondering tonight, as I’m busy drinking this evening puzzling over the mind-blowingly awful debate last night. VeepsBlog will return Friday evening, with probably more griping about the mind-blowingly awful debate Wednesday night. Before you start, just stop. This is only my second night off since the Iowa Caucuses and I had business to attend to. So just step off. But please join me for more engagi
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Obombad

Obombad

Well, I hope we’re over the canard of the Neverending Barack Lovefest by the American Media after the flurry of bombs tossed at Barack Obama by the moderators at this evening’s Philadelphia debate. It may not have been the long knives out tonight, but there were a lot of shivs and a lot of people got their licks in on the erstwhile Boy Wonder of the Democratic Party. And the candidate responded with righteous indiffe
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Ship Out Of Luck

It’s generally accepted that April 15 isn’t a day to book travel on any seafaring vessel, and that appears to be the case for metaphorical ships as well. The news today was nothing but bad for the Clinton campaign and it looks like the holdouts are starting to size up the life rafts. It looked as if Hillary might have one last shot to get some traction against Obama when he crooned “Nobody Does It Bitter” to the Penn
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Veepstake Monday – The Inside Line – 04.14.2008

The parimutuel window is now open. We’ve got just over four months until post time and it’s that every other Monday again, so shake out those sofa cushions, raid the kids’ piggy banks, and find a clinic that will let you donate plasma three times in a day. It’s time to put your money on the counter and spill your prognostications for this summer. Is the General committed to Executive Branch Glory or is this attempt a
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A Woman’s Right To Booze

Many decades ago, in my days of recreational substance use we would always be suspucious of the person in our midst who wouldn’t partake. Narc. He’s working for the sheriff, and he’s taking everyone’s names down. He was always the first person we’d think of weeks later when we were called into the principal’s office or pulled over without cause. We never considered that they might not want to treat their brains
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Odumba

Let’s forget for the moment that he’s right. It was a dumb, impolitic thing to say about a state that James Carville described as “Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in the middle.” Keith Olbermann put it better than I ever could, “There’s a lot of context to that quote, but to paraphrase Mae West, ‘Context got nothing to do with it.’” This is what Barack Obama said at a fundraiser in San Francisco ten days ago
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Billoquence

Billoquence

When I used to manage a cookie and muffin distribution center in the 1990s, we were pretty far removed from the corporate office in California. I ran a good center, but the corporate management wasn’t very good at rewarding the employees for their hard work (3% of $7 an hour isn’t much of a yearly raise), so I played a little fast and loose with the rules to give them some off-the-books compensation for their conside
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One For The Rhodes

whore (noun) \hor, hur\ – 1. A woman who engages in sexual acts for money; a promiscuous or immoral woman; 2. A male who engages in sexual acts for money; 3. A venal or unscrupulous person. Well, I know she hasn’t engaged in sexual acts for money–or, to give her the same benefit of the doubt she gave Barack Obama about being a Muslim, I haven’t seen anything to suggest that she has. She has one of the bigger di
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Game Face

Game Face

VeepsBlog 2008 thanks you for your patience and understanding for this abbreviated version of VeepsBlog as Bill Kelter has been busy the past few days researching Veeps-related issues and completing the copious studying and analysis necessary to prepare for his first Veeps 2008-related radio interview. VeepsBlog 2008 will return Thursday evening with 1,500 hilarious, knee-slapping words on the Colombian free trade ag
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Used War Salesmen

Used War Salesman

Joe Biden has the single best line of this year’s Presidential campaign when he said of Rudolph Giuliani that “every sentence out of his mouth consists of a noun, a verb, and ’9-11′.” On a much graver note, he knocked another one out of the park during today’s Armed Services Committee hearing when he asked Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker if al Qaeda was a larger threat to the United States in Iraq or on the Afghanistan/
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Penn Stayed

Back in the 1990s, I used to manage the Oregon distribution center for a still well-known cookie and muffin distribution company. There was a company-wide reorganization in 1996 and I lost my job. Everyone was a little worried about how I’d take it, especially since I damned near lived at the place, had just been named Manager of the Year, and treated the distribution center like my own little fiefdom that I ruled in
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Poison Penn

No one ever accused of Hillary of having scruples in choosing who she associates with in her quest for the White House. There’s nothing wrong with hiring a fox to guard your henhouse if the survival of the chickens is secondary to your goal of winning the deed to the farm. Foxes can in fact be very useful as any number of Hillary Clinton surrogates have proven lately. Whether they pass muster with the rest of the bar
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All Down Hillary

Well, to take a page from New York Governor David Paterson, Hillary may have just have won the endorsement of America’s blue-chip lobbyists. Air America announced Thursday that afternoon host Randi Rhodes has been suspended for calling Hillary Clinton “a big f*cking whore” (and Geraldine Ferraro, though she didn’t refer to Ferraro as “big”) at an Air America-related event in San Francisco. Not that Randi Rhodes spitt
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Combusti-Bill

Dale Carnegie was no where to be found near the Clinton Campaign this past weekend when Bill Clinton lost his nut at a meeting of California superdelegates and put his finger in the face of a Hillary supporter who said she regretted hearing that James Carville called Bill Richardson “Judas” for his recent endorsement of Barack Obama. “Five times he told me to my face that he wouldn’t do that,” Clinton spat, red-faced
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Bowling Green

Well, there goes the corn dog and trucker cap vote. If Barack Obama does win the nomination and the Presidency, when he dies and goes to Presidential heaven, Teddy Roosevelt is going to be awaiting him with the mother of all bitch-slaps. Not every President has to be an adherent of the Strenuous Life, but it helps that if they hum a few bars, he or she can fake it. All politics aside, Ronald Reagan swung a mean axe.
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Veepstake Monday: The Inside Line – 03.31.08

Time to place your bets again, ladies and gentlemen. Who is going to be the 47th Vice President of the United States, and who is going to fall a hair’s breadth or a country mile short and be back to carrying their own bags by Thanksgiving? Who’s going to be the next to sit a heartbeat away, and will it be from Hillary’s dark heart, Barack’s audacious heart, or John’s…high-mileage heart? Be the first on your voting bl
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Unincumbered

Unincumbered

If you’re the type that follows Presidential campaigns, you may have noticed something unusual about 2008, aside from the fact that Sean Hannity’s skull seems to be getting larger in some Barry Bonds sort of way (Republican steroids, perhaps): There is no incumbent President or Vice President running for office. This is the first time since 1952, when General Dwight Eisenhower and Senator Richard M. Nixon went up aga
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Surge Protectors

Surge Protectors

Well, it’s been five years and our war’s growing up. John McCain is promising to defend the surge and protect our right to remain at war over the liberal wetnoodlery of those two peaceniks, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. George Bush is measuring the success of the war by the number of soccer games being played in Iraq (180, in fact, being viewed by General Odierno from on high in the safety of the air, on his last
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McCaint Touch This

McCain’t Touch This

In the absence of a winter Olympics this year, the greatest skating story this season has been the solo exhibition of Senator John McCain, who has glided across the ice of this 2008 Election Year unjudged, unaccosted, and unchallenged. It’s his good fortune that, first, his primary competition was against the likes of the multiplicitious Mitt Romney, the somnolent Fred Thompson, the one-n0te bully Rudolph Giuliani, t
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ObstNancy

ObstiNancy

The spectacle of two sexagenarian women slugging it out isn’t something anyone should see, and isn’t something you do see outside of two grandmothers in fisticuffs over the last $19.99 Fry Daddy at a Des Moines Wal-Mart. Unless of course it’s Election 2008. We’re getting close to the gloves coming off between Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and mathematical longshot Presidential aspirant Hillary Clinton and it’s on
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Sleazing With The Enemy

I can only imagine it would have been like James Brady sitting down at Cheesecake Factory for lunch with John Hinckley. They’d exchange a few pleasantries, talk about their respective lives, a little small talk, and just get to know one another before getting up to the eventual, “You know, I’m really sorry I shot you in the head.” In the 1990s, billionaire right-wing newspaper magnate Richard Mellon Scaife ponied up
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“I Ain’t Afraid Of No Gays!”

Aww, Jesus. Not this crap again. Didn’t we get past this four years ago after the anti-gay hysteria of the 2004 election? I thought when the Republican J. Crew overreached with the Terri Schiavo debacle, and their favorite sons started getting caught with their favorite sons in steamy teen email exchanges and Midwestern airport bathrooms that the bullies in the GOP pulpit had the wind knocked out of them and were goi
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Enemy Liar

Enemy Liar

Ever since her now-infamous red phone ad, Hillary has been working overtime to prove that she’s the tested leader for a dangerous world. She might not be there at 3:00 AM to answer the phone, but she’ll get the voicemail later. With her latest claim that she dodged sniper fire on her trip to Bosnia with Sinbad and Sheryl Crow in 1996, I’ll give her her due, though as First Lady theater of war bonafides go, she still
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Chill Whitey

Chill Whitey

Well, it’s been five days and the reviews are in on Barack Obama’s Reverend Jeremiah Wright repudiation address (I was hoping for a defiant, race-baiting debacle so it could enter Presididential lore as “The Crackers Speech”). Many were similar to that of Andrew Sullivan of the UK’s TimesOnline.com: “Shockingly brave…the most honest speech about race in America that any leading politician has given in my lifetime. It
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Bill of Rights

Bill of Rights

Well, there’s a guy who knows how to ruin a party. After Bill Clinton gave up that most prominent of Man Days, Super Bowl Sunday, to be the New Mexico Governor’s date and to pitch his best woo to his former protege, he figured it was a lock that Bill Richardson would get caught up in those famous Clinton charms and pledge his superdelegate love to the Senator Mrs. Clinton. Instead, Bill skulked away with his beer hat
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Passporn

Passporn

Our grandfathers died on the beaches of Normandy to preserve our American way of life, and all its inherent rights and privileges. It is because of their sacrifice that we not only live in a world free of Nazi genocide, but that we have an Internet where we can see acts of intimacy between barnyard animals of consenting age and 37-year-old women dressed as schoolgirls licking oversized lollipops and doing things with
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Lost Another Lobe To Ditech - Part 2

Lost Another Lobe to Ditech, Part 2

I think we’re clear at this point that I’m not cut out to become a pundit. At least not this week. I’ve put my flaws out there and I’m clearly losing my mind. The trained professionals in this business don’t have intellectual meltdowns on slow news days and start alluding to their drinking problems and doing a meta turn and commenting on their inability to figure out anything worth reporting on. But what am I suppose
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Lost Another Lobe To Ditech - Part 1.5

Lost Another Lobe To Ditech – Part 1.5

Bill took the evening off to watch strippers feed live goldfish to piranhas.
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Lost Another Lobe To Ditech - Part 1

Lost Another Lobe To Ditech – Part 1

I decided a long time ago that I’m going to do this blog every day, even during a slow news cycle, or a bad hangover, or even when I don’t have anything particularly interesting to say. I have to. I have a book Wayne and I have to sell if we want to get out of our day jobs. By that I mean both of us, but with the passing of every rotten day, I’m mostly worried about me. Wayne spends his days surrounded by music and m
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Veepstakes - The Inside Line: Monday, March 17, 2008

Veepstake Monday: The Inside Line – 03.17.08

Five months ’til post time, ladies and gentleman. Time to lay your money down on Veepstakes 2008. Who’s late for a date with insignificance? Is Hillary going to hitch her wagon to another Billanderer in the notoriously randy New Mexico Governor? Could Hillary or Barack stand Pat enough to select popular Senator Leahy from Vermont? Does Obama have a Dodd in this fight, and will McCain follow by tapping retired General
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Mighty Mouth

Mighty Mouth

I’ve had a bad year with automobiles. I’ve driven nearly ten cars by my own estimation as I’ve dealt with the aftermath of two significant car accidents. I had a crazy Jean Tortelli-looking blonde with a migraine run a redlight last June and hit me head-on, destroying three cars, including my own, and doing another $5,000 of damage to a Lexus SUV. Then this past January, after scrambling to finish the day’s blog only
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Sewer De Force

Sewer De Force

With the winds of war sweeping Europe and America barely recovering from the Great Depression, the roiling topic leading into the 1940 Presidential election was whether Franklin Delano Roosevelt would step aside or stick his tipped cigarette in the eye of the two-term tradition that all Presidents had honored, following the example set by George Washington in declining to run for a third term in 1796. The Republicans
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Heavy Mettle, Heavy Meddle: The First Ladies

Heavy Mettle, Heavy Meddle: The First Ladies

Regardless of your political persuasion, I think there’s one thing we can all agree on: If Barack Obama is elected President, Michelle Obama is going to become the First Lady of Most Smokin’ Umber Hotness. I’m proud to be an American, because–no offense to Laura Bush and her pursed, puckery, judgmental librarian lips–if Barack Obama wins, we’re going to have the hottest executive wife in the world (okay, Nicolas Sark
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Race Card Drivers

Race Card Drivers

I thought this would be a one-day newscycle, but Gerry has apparently never embraced the maxim that once you’re in a hole you should stop digging. My erstwhile girl went positively loco yesterday. After a defiant interview with MSNBC’s Dan Abrams, in which she accused the Obama campaign of playing the race card against her, and demanding an apology from them, she dispatched a snarling resignation letter to the Clinto
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You're Breakin' My Heart, Darlin'

You’re Breakin’ My Heart, Darlin’

After I gave her the best years of my life… My Gerry Girl went out and stepped all over my heart this week. It was bad enough that she said it, but she had to do it on John Gibson’s show on FOX News. She broke my damn heart and went all Hillary on me. By her own admission Ferraro concedes, “I’m a lunatic about this stuff.” And indeed, she was all over the map, tossing out race and gender cards like a Laughlin black j
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Blood-Red Ed

Blood-Red Ed

I’m not one of these people who can claim “some of my best friends are Republicans.” I think I know more black people than I do Republicans. I have two Republican brothers: One is a pocketbook Republican, I think, and we rarely talk anyway, and the other is a very intelligent and passionate Dick Cheney neo-con with whom I always vow never to talk politics, but always do, and it always ends badly, as it most recently
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Let's Get This Party 'Tarded

Let’s Get This Party ‘Tarded

Well, at least she didn’t offer McCain the Veep slot. Yet. Though she did tease her Illinois Senatorial colleague with the tantalizing possibility that she’ll take him under her wing this fall and give him the experience he needs to become Chief Executive in 2016. An extraordinarily magnanimous gesture for a candidate losing in states won, delegates pledged, and popular vote. I’m sure the Obama campaign is taking her
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Behind Enmity Lines

Behind Enmity Lines

After weeks of escalating warfare and tit-for-tat shankings as if someone sat at the wrong bench in the prison yard, the old talk of a Hillary-Barack or Barack-Hillary ticket seems as quaint now as “WIN” buttons* and Spiro Agnew wristwatches. That, of course, was back in December, when Hillary’s coronation was imminent and she could afford to be magnanimous, and before Obama’s poll numbers were anywhere near her hemi
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You Had Me At Shalom

You Had Me At Shalom

Aw, Jesus. Here we go. With the GOP nomination safely under his belt, John McCain has his eyes toward the fall and is continuing to sell his loyalties and political positions faster than Al Gore is selling carbon shares. The latest and most shameless of his liquidations has the man who was savaged by George Bush and Bob Jones’ evangelicals in South Carolina in 2000 welcoming the embrace of megawatt televangelist, Zio
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Rules of Odor

Rules of Odor

Much like the man recently standing in the middle of the railroad track whose soul is shaking this mortal coil after being plastered by the oncoming Burlington Northern locomotive, the Democratic party leadership is looking over the mess that is Florida and Michigan and lamenting, “I just didn’t see this coming.” Howard Dean is quickly proving he is William Howard Taft to Terry McAuliffe’s Teddy Roosevelt. In other w
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Alice. Ten Feet Tall

There’s a lot of talk about the testicles that Hillary Clinton will need to bring to the Presidency if elected. A woman has to be tough. When you’re leading The Free World and dealing with an All-Star Rogues’ Gallery of Kim Jong-Il, Muqtada Al-Sadr, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and the 6′ 4″ diabetic George Bush stopped talking about after he let him get away, there’s no time for crying and dissecting feelings and emotions.
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Obummer

Well, that cleared things up, didn’t it? The Clintons came back from the dead again, and this week can claim the mantle of change you can believe in. Forget Pennsylvania, forget Indiana, forget Oregon. There’s June Blood on the horizon. We’re talking Puerto Rico and, if you believe whatever inside information former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell may or may not have, a June do-over for Michigan and Florida. Howard
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‘A Clinton In Every Pot’: The Lunch-Pail Primary

Here we go people: It might not be all the marbles yet, but today our brothers and sisters in Texas, Ohio, Vermont, and Rhode Island are picking one future President and three future Trivial Pursuit answers. Who that will be won’t be settled until November, but it’s going to be much clearer after tonight. The hardhat and Velveeta circuit has long been a linchpin of the U.S. Presidential campaign. Any candidate who wa
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Veepstake Monday: The Early Line – 03.03.08

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. We’re down to roughly six months and counting before the candidates pick their toadies. Who’s in? Who’s out? Who’s up? Who’s down? Who saved a baby from a well and rocketed onto the list from nowhere? Who showed up for a weekend Klan rally and posed with a Grand Dragon, and rocketed back to oblivion. We’ve got our finger on the pulse of America’s next heartbeat away. This is an
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Slogan’s Run

You wouldn’t know it now in the age of bland, marketing-driven Presidential campaign slogans like “Change You Can Believe In”, “Yes We Can”, “Putting People First”, “Building A Bridge To The 21st Century” and even going back a few decades to“Morning In America”, “Nixon’s The One”, and “A Kinder, Gentler America”, but there was an age when stump sloganeering was one of the great Dork Arts of American politicking. The
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Caucus Blocker

It wouldn’t be the first time in this race that Hillary Clinton has suggested that rules are for girls. She’s already driven over her Florida and Michigan non-campaign pledge like she was in a Monster Truck. Now, with the latest polls showing Barack Obama pulling into the lead in Tuesday’s Texas vote, the Clinton campaign is suggesting they might issue a legal challenge to Texas’ dual primary-caucus delegate-selectio
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Dead Precedence: What If?

It’s the elephant in the living room that the candidates ignore as willfully as so many of us mere mortals, but as the 2008 Presidential race winnows down to a handful of inevitable electables, it’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask: What if one of them dies? We tend to forget now, but from 1963-81, pursuing the Presidency was a dead-certain way to get your life insurance coverage canceled. John F. Kennedy was m
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Biting The Hand That Skeeves Him?

Party unity is a very important thing going into any Presidential thing, but the key element that you want is that said unity is for you, and not against you. All of the support that John McCain engendered when theNew York Times last week heard the cooks at work in The New Republic kitchen and got skittish and pulled a half-baked story out of their own oven and served it up despite their better instincts? Well, it wa
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Cleveland Steam Her

So much for the Cleveland Steamer, the Cuyahoga Smoka’, the Cleavin’ In Cleveland, Blood Red In O-hi-o, the Sock-Eye In The Buckeye, the Devastation In The Birthplace Of Aviation, Gettin’ Started Y’All In ‘The Heart Of It All’, or even Kumbay-o in Ohio. No love, no hate, no passion. It was a tour de snores, and there wasn’t a wide eye in the house. Unless you’re the kind of wonkophile who can achieve erection at the
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Booga, booga, booga!

Booga, booga, booga!

There’s a scene in the classic 1976 Paul Newman movie,Slap Shot, where one of the gleefully-pugilistic Hanson Brothers clotheslines an opposing player during the pre-game skatearound and instigates a full-on battle royal. One beleaguered official surveying the mayhem shakes his head and mutters, “Too much, too soon.” It’s February 26, a full eight months and change before the general election, and given the no-holds-
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Working for Change and “Will Work for Change”: A Tale of Two War Chests

With apologies to Senator Clinton who isn’t out of the race yet and could still pull a Clintonian miracle and find her way to the head of the Democratic bumper sticker this fall (though the potential cost gets bloodier and bloodier with every delegate that Obama accumulates), the presumptive candidates for the general election are already being taken to task for how they’re going to fund their autumn campaigns. Inasm
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Barack Sabbath

And it was shaping up to be such a slow news day. It looks like there might have been something of an uproar that happened after her apparent near-conciliation on Thursday night, and the voices who didn’t dare entertain giving up the ghost, who’ve given up other jobs and donated heart and soul to this campaign, threw down. I think it’s all over but the shouting at the Clinton War Room, and the strategy is in: We’re g
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The Nader Nadir

Unsafe at any speed, Ralph Nader is ready to step up and gratify his ego once again and declare his candidacy this Sunday on NBC’s Meet The Press for President of the United States in 2008. About to be five election cycles strong, the Ralph Nader Campaign Declaration can now verily be called the preeminent masturbatory rite of the Presidential Election Year. He’s doing it again. Ralph Nader is insinuating himself onc
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You Compete Me

After John McCain essentially put to rest the shortest sex and influence scandal in Presidential campaign history, and before the debate could begin in earnest at what got into the New York Times to print a story more structurally unsound than any of Senator McCain’s marquee policy positions, the big questions going into last night’s CNN-Univision Democratic Debate was whether or not Hillary Clinton would deploy the
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Re-Rom?

The obvious culprit is Mike Huckabee, but he’s still just so damned likable (when he’s not comparing his primary travails to being waterboarded), it doesn’t seem like it’s in his wiring. That doesn’t mean he didn’t call in a few chits from Jesus, but Jesus would never leak to a godless liberal rag like The New York Times. Rush Limbaugh? Well, that would be a coup indeed. I know for years everyone has suspected a secr
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“Hilla-rebound!”: Wisconsin Rout for Clinton over McCain

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Glee redounded in the Hillary Clinton campaign last night as the New York Senator scored a decisive victory over her Republican adversary, polling more than 100,000 votes over John McCain’s tally in America’s Dairyland, and breathing new life into a campaign that was already being declared doomed. The heretofore-impressive efforts of her junior Senate colleague from Illinois have been sullied i
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GodBilla

The word is out among Hillary’s security detail this week: They need a marksman who can surreptitiously and on a second’s notice fire a tranquilizer gun with pinpoint accuracy from up to 50 yards, and make it look like a heart attack or an aneurysm. They had him fairly subdued for a week or so, but there’s trouble with Bill again. He got in a shouting match with hecklers at a speech in Ohio, and went head to head on
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Veepstake Monday: The Early Line

Now it really starts getting fun. This is the money shot that we’re saving our quarters and reserving our viewing booth for. With the Presidential field winnowed down to three viable candidates, and one party’s nominee all but assured, the talk is starting to turn to who is going to take the second spot and secure their place in history, win or lose. That ultimate pick for both tickets is still six months away–which
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Speech Impediment

A fly on the wall isn’t necessary to know that these are very dicey times inside the Clinton ’08 War Room. As the fulcrum has turned in the last few weeks and Barack Obama has taken the lead in states won, popular vote, and pledged delegates, the once indomitable Hillary Machine is in internecine strategical fisticuffs over what to do with this man who should be having sullen shirtless photo ops on the beach in Hawai
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The ‘Ayes’ of Their Whites

As the tightest Democratic Presidential campaign in our lifetimes moves into Texas, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, Barack Obama is handing out flyers for his President’s Day White Sale. He’s cracked almost every demographic in every state he’s campaigned, and the last nut he needs to crack if he wants to win the nomination outright are his alabaster brothers and sisters, the mayonnaise and country music crowd, the Pat and D
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The Men Of Shrumancha

I don’t know Marv Levy, but he seems like a very nice man. His tough-as-nails but kindly mien on the sidelines as he coached the Buffalo Bills for over ten seasons projected a warm grandfatherly image at the same time it suggested that, with his bare hands, he had killed kids as young as his own grandchildren in the jungles of Guadalcanal, because he was doing what he had to do. And four times in his first six season
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Floridissed is Floridumb: How The Democrats Mich’d Again

Howard Dean was by all accounts a very competent physician, but given the looming damage he’s done to the Democratic Party, I don’t think I’d be at all comfortable letting him near my body with any medical instrument, no matter how blunt and seemingly harmless. Back in the kumbaya days of 2007, everything appeared to be shaping up nicely for the Democrats. They had a slate of whip-smart, progressive, telegenic (excep
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Potomac Cleaver

There are just some places you really can’t go home to again. It didn’t bode well for Hillary’s bid to make 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue her address once more that she spent tonight’s District of Columbia primary about as far from the old ‘hood as electorally possible, celebrating her hanging-by-a-fingernail lead in what increasingly seems like her equivalent of Giuliani’s Florida, Texas, in El Paso with a triumphant but
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Huck Fin

Mike Huckabee says “I major in miracles, not math”. If he’s got Jesus on his speed dial, he’d best be placing that call today, because with John McCain within striking distance as the polls open in Washington D.C., Virginia, and Maryland, there’s a better chance that Michael Jackson will land a show on “Nickelodeon” than Mike Huckabee will be making a Thursday night speech this summer in St. Paul. Huckabee was the lo
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Wrecktoral Politics

With the results fresh in from the Maine Caucuses it looks like another baker’s dozen or so delegates for the fattening Obama delegate kitty. The pundits are beside themselves with the prospect of the first brokered Democratic convention since 1952. The Obama supporters are absolutely giddy as the Sunday numbers showed the candidate from the Land of Lincoln pulling ahead of Hillary Clinton in pledged delegates and wi
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Wham, Ma’am, Thank You, ‘Bam

After an exhilarating and exhausting draw on Super Tuesday, there was a whole lotta love at Hillary’s expense for Barack Obama today. The Illinois Senator absolutely destroyed his New York opponent today in the Nebraska and Washington caucuses, and is in the process of handing her a 19-point throttling in the Louisiana primary. My own Washington state was the hugest prize in the Saturday derby, with 80 of the day’s 1
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American Banksta

In an election season that has been rotten with surprises so far, it was the biggest “Wait…what?” moment we’ve seen so far when Hillary admitted Wednesday that several staffers had gone unpaid recently and she had to loan her campaign $5 million from her own personal fortune to keep the phones and the lights turned on. The initial suspicion was that someone from Mitt’s wheezing campaign had gotten ahold of Senator Cl
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GOP TICKET – AD-MITT NONE

The Conservative War Party at C-PAC found itself with a Romney of None on Thursday as the Massachusetts Governor rolled up his bivouac and insisted that his departure from the race was a victory for the fight against terror. The only terror Romney was quelling with the suspension of his campaign was that of Ann Romney sitting at their kitchen table over a calculator and a stack of bank and IRA statements figuring how
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Blow, Blow, Blow Your Vote

With Super Tuesday’s body barely cold and Mitt Romney’s brain trust splitting their time between figuring out how to harness Montana and North Dakota as a trajectory to the GOP nomination and calling the bank to see if Mitt canceled their paychecks, the fall strategy is starting to gell for the petulant, flummoxed Republican establishment: They’re going to take their bawl and go home. Rush Limbaugh has been the lemmi
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Too-Much Tuesday: Notes From The Cheap Seats

Fill-Soak-Wash-Rinse-Spin-Spin-Spin-Spin-Spin-Spin. All night long me eyes were playing tricks on me, and even now in the semi-sober light of day it’s still going to take some sorting out. I spent the entire evening watching live and had to delete six hours of “The Closer” (with hot, hot Kyra Sedgwick!) to make room for 15 hours of TiVo’d Super Tuesday coverage. For my live results and analysis I kept it on MSNBC all
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J. Crew

Jesus. Who saw that one coming? Besides Jesus, I mean. The Bible Belt stepped up big tonight for God’s other favorite son, Mike Huckabee, and delivered an Old Testament smiting to Mitt Romney and the heretic adherents of his bastard religion. Either that or God was just flat tired of Romney voting against Christian values before he voted for them. Okay, that’s not entirely fair to Romney with big numbers still swingi
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He Might Be Giants

With the post-Super Bowl hangovers just starting to gell and the bookmakers assessing the damage from the handful of big Giants faithful who not only believed their boys would keep New England from covering the spread, but might actually come out and do the impossible, the hardened gamblers with a belt of money to spend on Super Tuesday are even less sure where to lay down their coin. The 2007-08 season has been as m
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Ad Nauseum

As a rule, you generally don’t bring in the contractors to start turning the garage into a third bedroom before your new house is in escrow, much less before your offer is accepted. That’s why it was rather curious to see Mitt Romney hit the airwaves this weekend with an ad assailing Hillary Clinton’s taste in drapes compared to his own, at a time when the “For Sale” sign is back in the realtor’s trunk and John McCai
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Vote Early, Vote Awful

In the many jobs I’ve had through the years, I’ve made it a point of pride to, whenever possible, tackle my worklist early and cross off as many tasks as possible well in advance of their due date. That’s just the stuff of a good work ethic: It’s responsible, pro-active, can-do. I’ve also done my fair share of gambling through the years. Whenever I’ve tried to apply my workplace regime to my gambling–getting all my b
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